With the kind permission of the Chofetz Chaim Heritage Foundation, we will be posting the CCHF's Shidduch Guide which includes the halachos of divulging private and sensitive information for shidduch-purposes. For specific questions or situations, consult a Rav to ensure that this sensitive matter is dealt with in a Halachically correct manner.
Shidduch Guide PART I
The following articles have been written by Rabbi Moshe Mordechai Lowy, Rav of Agudath Yisrael of Toronto and the posek in Toronto for halachic inquiries concerning Shmiras Haloshon. Articles were approved for halachic accuracy by HaRav Hillel Zaks, Shlita.
Day #1
Dedicated in memory of Yosef Ziskind Hakohen Grammerman
By Shlomo Grammerman & family
MANY PEOPLES’ LIVES HAVE BEEN DAMAGED BY THE INFORMATION GIVEN ABOUT THEM OR TO THEM REGARDING SHIDDUCHIM.
A Guide to Getting and Giving Information
The Chofetz Chaim said that, regarding a shidduch, people speak when they should be quiet, and hold back when they ought to speak up. The Satan, he explains, works both sides of the fence. In those who have important information that should be conveyed, the Soton stirs such a dread of speaking loshon hora that they hold their tongues. In those who are eager to pass on their fleeting negative impressions, he provides ample encouragement, warning them not to violate the Torah's prohibition against “standing by as a fellow man's blood is shed.”
Since each and every one of us may be called upon at any time to divulge information about an individual or a family in regard to a shidduch, it is obligatory for us to become acquainted with the halachos of what is permissible for us to say and what is not. Furthermore, it is essential to know how to properly transmit those details deemed halachicly appropriate and how to obtain critical information ourselves when the need arises. Finally, it is imperative to know when to convey information. What is permissible to relay in the early stages of the shidduch process may actually be prohibited further along in the procedure without permission from a rav.
Since each and every one of us may be called upon to divulge information about someone for the purpose of a shidduch, it is crucial for us all to become familiar with the relevant halachos.
Day #2
Dedicated in memory of Yosef Ziskind Hakohen Gammerman
By Shlomo Gammerman & family
When one is asked for information regarding a shidduch, one must be sensitive to the power wielded by every detail conveyed. Your words could easily be the sole cause of the shidduch being abandoned. Alternately, withholding crucial information could allow a shidduch to proceed, which might trigger great pain for all concerned.
The two Torah prohibitions “Do not go as a gossip monger among your people”, and “Do not stand aside as your fellow's blood is being shed”, occur in the same sentence of the Torah. This teaches us that we must be equally concerned about destroying a good shidduch as we are about allowing a bad one to go forward. All those who stand idly by and allow a shidduch to proceed, knowing that it could ultimately lead to heartache, which could easily be prevented by passing along necessary information, transgress the negative commandment of “Do not stand aside as your fellow's blood is being shed”.
Day #3
Asking Questions for a Shidduch
Since each and every one of us may be called upon to divulge information about someone for the purpose of a shidduch, it is crucial for us all to become familiar with the relevant halachos.
AT THE OUTSET, IT IS IMPORTANT TO PROPERLY DEFINE NEGATIVE INFORMATION THAT IS GIVEN WITHIN THE HALACHIC CATEGORY OF “TOELES”— FOR THE CONSTRUCTIVE PURPOSE—OF A SHIDDUCH. WHEN SPOKEN IN THE MANNER THE TORAH PRESCRIBES, THE WORDS NEVER FALL INTO THE CATEGORY OF LOSHON HORA. THE TORAH IS NOT “ALLOWING” LOSHON HORA FOR THE PURPOSE OF A SHIDDUCH. IT IS DEFINING THIS TYPE OF SPEECH AS SOMETHING COMPLETELY SEPARATE FROM LOSHON HORA.
In conducting the investigation to decide whether or not to pursue a particular shidduch, one must always preface the request for details with the statement, “The reason I'm asking you for this information is because someone is considering a shidduch with this person.” Even though one feels that his chances for ferreting out the type of information he is seeking might be compromised by this declaration, he is obligated to announce his intentions.
Day #4
Dedicated L’ilui Nishmas Chaya bas Yonah z”l
By her children
We mentioned that one must declare his intention. Even though one feels that his chances for ferreting out the type of information he is seeking might be compromised by this declaration, he is obligated to announce his intentions.
The reasons for this are twofold:
1. Correct Intent:
So that neither the person asking nor the person answering questions would be guilty of loshon hora. Certain information can be divulged only when the intent is for shidduch purposes. If questions are asked and answered without this particular constructive purpose, the person giving information would be guilty of loshon hora. And, the person asking would be guilty of transgressing the negative commandment of “before a blind person do not place a stumbling block”.
2. What to Say, What Not to Say:
Another reason for specifying the intent of your question is so that the person who answers will know how to phrase his answer so that it meets the requirements of speaking for a constructive purpose.
Day #5
Which Information is Relevant?
We have already explored the halachic guidelines relevant to asking questions regarding a shidduch. We have also looked at the questions one must ask oneself and conditions that must be met before answering any inquiry. What remains to be explored is, which is relevant information that needs to be reported? However, the halachic considerations that render some information proper and some prohibited are difficult to define in the space of this article. Expert judgment is often needed to determine when a particular quality becomes something necessary to transmit.
CHOOSING THE INFORMATION THAT CAN AND SHOULD BE RELAYED IS VERY COMPLEX. WITH SO MUCH ON THE LINE, IT IS ESSENTIAL TO ASK A SHAILA WHENEVER THERE IS ANY DOUBT. THE SHAILA HOTLINE: (718) 951-3696 CALL 9 - 10:30 P.M EASTERN TIME.
Day #6
Dedicated as a z'chus for a Refuah Shleima for Yosef ben Sara
The fact is that even a tinge of a problem can be enough to sidetrack a shidduch. Yet, this problem that looms large in the mind of the person giving information may not be a problem at all in the eyes of the potential spouse. For example, someone raised in a calm, quiet home may interpret a higher level of emotion as anger or temper. However, to the couple involved in the shidduch, this level of expressiveness might be well within the range of normal, not at all worthy of note.
On the other hand, there is a level of anger significant enough to truly influence one's ability to establish a peaceful home. This is anger that needs to be reported. The question is, where does the line between personality and “problem-causing anger” lie? Obviously, there is a continuum in the tendency towards anger, and nearly everyone falls somewhere along it. One's assessment of another person's temper is subjective. Someone who displays anger toward employees may be perfectly calm and relaxed at home. Someone who shows anger to this family might be on his best behavior at work.
* We will be continuing to post more halachos weekly. Please check back next week for the continuation of this topic. *