A Message for Parents of Children With Special Needs

By: Dr. Baruch Kastner, PhD

Before coming down to this world, our neshama chooses the body in which it wants to be encased as it embarks upon its journey forward.  They know the limitations they will face if the body they chose will have developmental disabilities.

In my practice I have fielded bitter complaints from parents who have children with ADHD, PDD, ODD, and other physical or social disabilities.  They experience much pain and anguish as they witness their child either out of control or embarrasing themselves for not picking up on social cues.  Many parents feel helpless in the face of a child who doesn't respond to therapy or medication.  Their lives begin to crumble under the constant challenges both they and their child face.  Issues ranging from explosive behaviors to learning disabilities, and social ineptitude to being the subject of ridicule create a sense of  "how do I ever get out from under all of this?"

Indeed parents get so caught up in their well-intentioned crusade to keep finding answers that they lose perspective on what they ought to be paying more attention to.  As a parent facing similar sentiments, I was forced to change my outlook for the benefit of my family and my own personal sanity.

The Zohar teaches that children choose who they want their parents to be when they are still pure neshamot in the Sanctuary of Souls before coming down to this world.  They themselves do the choosing because they feel that a particular set of parents will be just the right vehicle for them to accomplish their tikkun in their upcoming life.  They count on the fact that the parent will indeed provide that support base the child will need in order to reach the goals their neshamot set out to tackle.  For parents to throw their hands up in the air and give up is tantamount to turning their backs on their own child. 

Nobody promises us that every facet of our lives will be a stroll through a rose garden.  On the other hand, challenges we as parents face are there to strengthen our character and to "be there" for those who do not have the tools to survive on their own.  Whatever type of disability your child has - consider yourself the one who has the privilege of seeing your child through his or her trials and tribulations.  Yes, I said a privilege.  For these are truly holy neshamot who require for you to stay in the game for the long haul.  One day we will stand before the Heavenly Court and give an accounting of our actions.  We will be asked if we were up to the challenge and whether we made every effort to put our precious child in a position to succeed, no matter how little that may end up being.  True, we must dig deep within ourselves to find the koach to persevere and maintain an even balance in the face of difficult days, months and even years.  Our children expect nothing less.  It is up to us to meet that challenge head-on.  After all, by choosing us, our children express the utmost of confidence that we can indeed succeed.